An event from years ago when I was a classroom teacher is one that often resurfaces in various forms today: During recess, two of my first graders approached me, visibly upset. Speaking simultaneously, they passionately recounted an incident that occurred while they waited to cross the monkey bars. One child accused the other of "cutting in front of her in line," while the accused insisted that the accuser had "stepped out of line," thereby losing her place.
After each student had completed her rant, I calmly replied, “Girls, I was not part of what happened at the monkey bars. It involved the two of you and the two of you need to work it out. You are both kind, smart, first graders, so I want you to stand right over there and resolve this issue.” I then glanced at my watch and said, “Goodness! Our recess time is almost half over. I hope you can solve this problem quickly as I’d hate for you to miss out on the remainder of playtime… but this is important so take all the time you need. Come and let me know when you have worked it out, then you can return to playing.” Within a short period of time the girls came back, arm in arm, giggling, with smiles on their faces, happily ready to enjoy the remainder of their recess time. Problem solved.
The example above is typical of elementary-aged children, and the way in which the incident was managed was very deliberate. With no adult intervention, the two 6-year-olds decided that resolving the issue quickly was to their mutual advantage. Though they might not have realized it at the time, while working through the process, they also gained confidence.
Learning to resolve conflicts is a process that children must be taught. Prior to age 4, learning how to take turns, share, and manage frustration requires consistent, meaningful adult guidance. When children rush for assistance in a state of anger over a perceived injustice, they need an adult to respond in a manner that helps to quiet the situation. Shouting, lecturing, and making threats are counterproductive. The most effective parental reaction is to remain calm and positive. A calm, positive response can actually help children begin to regulate their own emotions.
Around the age of 4, it's important for children to start practicing problem-solving on their own. While adult intervention can settle the conflict of the moment, when future disputes arise, children will likely expect an adult to resolve them. If/When adults attempt to get at the root of childhood disputes the result is often an exercise in futility, with children fervently pleading their case and their innocence. The continuous bantering can exhaust both adults and children.
Discord is necessary and important. In order to learn how to solve problems, improve social skills, understand the importance of consensus-building, and develop critical thinking, children must experience being challenged by others. When parents or other adults intervene, they deprive children of the opportunity to independently develop critical problem-solving skills.
Accurate or not, one’s perception is one’s reality. Using modeling, concrete examples, instructional stories, and role play, 4–6-year-olds can understand that not everyone perceives or interprets events in the same way. Therefore, when a parent or caregiver is not directly involved in or does not witness an incident firsthand, it is wise and reasonable for all participants to face the same consequence. Once children understand this, they become more thoughtful and perceptive regarding disputes. [Note: When there is a wide age difference between children, expectations for the older party may differ from those for the younger.]
Teaching children conflict resolution skills is an essential parental responsibility that should begin in early childhood. Neglecting this critical aspect of childhood training can result in children being more prone to anger, even rage, and struggling to react with respect and courtesy when faced with challenges. This troubling issue arises daily in schools, on buses, in cars (road rage), and in workplaces across our country. To preserve a civil society, it is essential that our nation collectively prioritize addressing this concern.
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth
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